Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents

There are a lot of self-help books out there about narcissistic parents/people, how to heal from abuse, etc. There are also technical books about such people, mostly written for psychotherapists. The truth is: you don't really need to diagnose your bully or abuser to get out from under them. It can be very confusing to figure out whether your mother was just a narcissist, or also a borderline. You can waste a lot of time that way. This book cuts through all the confusion and just calls them "emotionally immature" people. This seems like a rather large, vague term. But the author's understanding of how EIPs confuse, undermine, and dominate other people is wide-ranging and fine-grained. She also has very specific suggestions about how to disarm them that go beyond vague exhortations to "set boundaries." As anybody knows who has dealt with abusers, setting boundaries works temporarily, until they figure out a sneakier way to violate your boundaries. Gibson even recommends actually getting mad at people as long as you do it in a non-abusive way, which is definitely possible. She also cautions people that cut-offs are not your first choice, because you may come to regret such a decision. I think that's correct. The main value of this book is that it teaches you to recover a sense of your own dignity and worth that is very resilient in the face of the relentless attacks that EIPs launch. In the end we can't do much to stop abusers from trying to abuse. If you can't get away from them, at least you can shore up your own defenses against their desire to tear you down and destroy you.

This book, written for (as the title suggests) adult children of emotionally immature (EI) parents, provide wonderful insights into the psychology of EI people. Regardless of the emotional level of your parents, these books are a must-read for everyone. Why? Gibson kindly and directly delivers clear insights into EI behavior, which applies to any adult in your life. As you move to the second book, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy, you learn the tools and tactics to deal with EI people in your life. Gibson approaches the material to focus on what you can do (or not do) to deal with EI adults. This book focuses on being true to yourself while understanding how to manage your interactions with EI people. Gibson does a superb job of sharing direct context about EI people. She pulls no punches about EI people's damage but gives space to encourage growth and break the multi-generational trauma.

All of the authors books on this subject are so valuable. After spending years in and out of therapy for trauma from being in a relationship with EI parents, it was a relief to find these books. The only thing I wish was included that I didn’t find was more information on and validation for those people who are exhausted from the emotional burden of trying to make it work and are ready to go no contact with EI parents. I felt like there was a lot of information on how to change yourself to “be” in a new way around them, bordering on parenting them. But I have done that my whole life and now I just want out. I wish there was more on dissolving the relationship. She briefly mentioned some people may choose to go no contact and then states that that has its toll. Having said that, this series from this author has been the most valuable resource I have come across on the subject. So grateful for her wisdom and understanding.

[Disclosure: I’d known Dr. Gibson for twenty years before I retired to Texas in 2013. In Virginia, I used her monthly Tidewater Women column as a class handout. I love her clear writing and have purchased every book she has written. When I congratulated the author via email on her third book, she asked if I would review it despite my having no psychology training.] First, Dr. Gibson uses almost no jargon except for: • EI (emotionally immature) • EIP (emotionally immature person) • EIRS (emotionally immature relationship system) Second, she wrote this book for 1) the adult survivors of EI parents and for 2) everyone who encounters EIPs. EIPs are your family or societal self-centered, emotional bullies. I view relationships as having primal and rational parts, i.e., gut and thoughtful pieces. EIPs are self-serving primal (instinctive) beings. Their actions are dominating and hurtful, and they cause others to blame themselves for such bad treatment. Or as the author says, “Because EIPs insist on dominating and being the center of importance, they don’t leave room or resources for others to be fully themselves.” Dr. Gibson wrote this book to give the abused person 1) an understanding of EIPs and 2) ideas how to a) improve their own lives and b) reduce the EIP’s negative impact. On the first goal, the author writes, “My aim… is to give you a language for everything that goes on in EI relationships, both what happens between you and them, and what happens inside yourself as you try to cope with them. Once you can name it, you can deal with it.” Part I (Chapters 1-6) covers the messy and illogical nature of EIPs. The author avoids psychological talk but shows how multi-faceted EIP behavior is. Dr. Gibson repeatedly says it is not your fault you were born into or found yourself dealing with an EIP. Although I never had EI parents, I’ve had my difficulties with EIPs. Dr. Gibson’s Part II (Chapters 7-10), therefore, was worth the book’s price. She says, “Your ultimate recovery goal is to build a loyal, committed relationship to your own inner self and well-being. You’ll also learn how to transform your EI relationship into the best it can be (my emphasis), without sacrificing your integrity or blaming them.” In other words, the situation can’t be fixed, but it can be improved for yourself and with the EIP. There are no miracle cures, but instead; slow recovery. If the EIP is your mother, father, boss, or another person you need to deal with, the author’s suggestions are helpful. Remember, standard relationship rules and logic don’t work with EIPs. If you are the adult child of an EI parent, then the author also provides journaling activities for you to assess where you are now, what boundaries you need to set, and how to evaluate the new results you get. Working with EIPs, if they are family or otherwise, can be a lifelong journey. Dr. Gibson understands this unfortunate fact and has fashioned a book to improve your life!

This insightful book has given me a lot to think about in many areas of life.

This book was recommended by my therapist a couple years ago. It’s taking me a while to complete. It definitely triggered a lot of inner child wounds that I have been able to heal and it helped me see a lot of patterns in my relationships and how I viewed myself. I am very proactive when it comes to inner work, healing, breaking patterns, spirituality, and things of that nature and reading this book not only help me see how my upbringing. Impact of on me as well as the fact that a lot of people are emotionally, immature, and how I got comfortable with that. After completing this book, I feel like I have the tools to not only see the red flags, but also stand in my own power when I’m dealing with emotionally immature, people and my parent…

I hesitate when buying psych books- having a degree, I find that there is a lot of misinformation or outdated information in some trauma work books. But this one surprised me. It had up to date information which I agreed with, as well as insights that were not explicitly covered in my courses. It helped me see the immaturity levels in my family dynamics and understand better that I can choose to not let their problems become mine. I highly recommend and I plan to re read it.

I thought this book was an excellent follow up to Dr. Gibson's first book entitled, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Although both books center on parental figures, the insights could apply to any emotionally immature person that one encounters in the family unit, professional setting, religious community, team, etc. This new book in particular offers a lot of rich examples and valuable reflective exercises that make concrete experiences that were previously confusing, unsettling, or traumatizing yet might have been quite normalized due to a child's context. Even as adults, this book is invaluable because what we're exposed to as children can at times become sources of comfort and familiarity even when these situations/dynamics might be detrimental to us in the long run. This book really equips people with effective strategies that can help people manage interactions effectively. This also prompts useful self reflection about instances or enduring vulnerabilities where someone who many not be consistently emotionally immature (as a general personality or character trait) might be in an emotionally immature way during certain situations. Dr. Gibson's insights on EIP's experience of time, mental clutter, the differences between tyrannical voices/shame/guilt and conscience and the Bill of Rights are awesome contributions to knowledge and offer so much to the recovery process. I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to better manage the interactions and relationships in their lives while also improving their own relationship to their inner world.

Detta är en bok som verkligen ger dig verktyg för att hantera känslomässigt omogna föräldrar eller personer. Den ger dig insikt i varför de är som de är, i dina egna reaktioner och känslor. Den ger dig möjlighet att vända ditt liv från att bara kastas omkring av yttre påverkan till att själv kunna stå upp för dig och sätta gränser. Jag kan verkligen rekommendera denna bok.

This is hands down the best most helpful, practical and constructive book I have ever read to help me navigate painful decision-making regarding my biological family after a childhood of being sexually abused by my father and being made a scapegoat. The issue is complex with each individual family member being pulled into my father's EIP patterns, and my mother herself being an EIP, and I denied the reality of this for so long because it was too painful. I have heart-breaking things to come to terms with and needed a really thorough understanding of their patterns that I have become enmeshed with even while distancing for some time now. This author has helped me to feel confident in the decisions I will make moving forwards. I recommend support while reading this from a counsellor, support centre or someone solid in your life who can hold what may come up for you, if you have a background similar to mine.. For me, it's a relief to have this information. I would like to thank the author for sharing her expertise in such a practical, affirming and loving way. It is worth mentioning that the final chapter is not applicable in cases like mine...'Now You Can Have The Relationship You've Always Wanted.' This is neither possible nor safe, certainly with my father whom I will probably never see again. This chapter and the whole book is useful when considering if/how to move forward with other family members aside from my father. This also may not be possible, based on what has already materialised with them all. The book does not address exactly my situation, but I still value it highly for all the helpful support it has given me regarding the challenges I have had and in understanding how I have been treated emotionally & psychologically by all members including my father.

As someone who had difficult childhood, I found this book helpful and insightful.

Dr Lindsay Gibson spoke directly to my soul through this book. I think the only people who will get it are adult children of EI parents. I lived over 30 years listening to the platitudes of well-meaning non-understanding people who defended my parents and family of origin, but had absolutely NO idea about the trauma I went through. How confused we felt as children, the deep sadness and existential loneliness that led us to premature resilience as young adults. Dr Gibson has given me an articulate language to things I’d spent years healing from. I feel so empowered to share this book with others! Life changing.

Sehr aufschlussreich mit ko kneten Hilfestellungen