But It’s Your Family…: Cutting Ties with Toxic Family Members and Loving Yourself in the Aftermath

If you're already well into your toxic-family journey, you probably won't find this book as eye-opening as I did. But it was the first full book I read on this topic and it was the first time I felt seen. Not long after reading it, I sought out Dr. Campbell and began seeing her as a client—I say that not solely in full disclosure for this review, but also to note that I have what might be a unique perspective in understanding what she writes and what she says. First off, I am not religious. There is a section called "What About God?" that I skipped without even thinking twice about. It's 10 pages, and if the Christian angle is helpful for you, it's there. As for the remaining chapters, I did not pick up any religious undertones. (As a half-Jewish kid raised in the Bible Belt, believe me, I'm pretty sensitive to that type of thing...) Also, there are several personal stories in this book. Those stories were helpful for me because they served as real-life examples of this type of toxic behavior playing out on a varied spectrum. Each time, the stories reminded me: Yes, this is real; yes, people act like this; no it's not in your head. It made me feel less of that "I must be misreading it" feeling that many of us have in the initial stages of discovering toxic family patterns. Because that's what this exploration is about: patterns. This book helped me realize I was trying to navigate persistent patterns vs. the occasional/excusable one-off. I found myself wanting to highlight tons of parts of this book, but I'll share the sections I found particularly helpful on first read. If these types of insights feel remedial for you, you'll probably want to wait for if Dr. Campbell writes a follow-up book with deeper dives into strategies, research, etc. because this is not that. As for strategies, there is a chapter devoted to no-contact. You might be interested to know that one of the first things Dr. Campbell said to me when I spoke with her was this: "No-contact is not the 'goal.' If we get there, we get there, but I want you to know I'm not advocating for that. I'm here to support you in what works best for you." That was a weight lifted, because I wasn't ready to commit to any certainties yet. I was still exploring, still trying to understand the family dynamic I was in. If you're in a similar "early" spot in figuring things out, this is a great book that clearly outlines healthy vs. unhealthy behaviors, toxicity within families and the roles everyone can take on (ie, scapegoat, golden child). Overall, I highly recommend "But It's Your Family..." as a first step in exploring the dynamics of toxic families!

It is only in recent months that I truly woke up to how toxic my father and brother are. In the wake of the sudden loss of my dear wife of 23 years who was also my business partner of 20 years in August of 2017, I was perplexed by their lack of empathy, their cruel comments and their indifference and cold detached criticism of my very normal difficulty in adjusting to this profound loss. Their apathy regarding my engagement to the new love of my life whom I started dating just a little over 2 years after my loss became the final straw. I did some soul searching and reflection and started to see that this was all very predictable. There really never had been an emotional connection or healthy support from either one of them. I went NO CONTACT just over 4 months ago - just a few short weeks after coming out of denial and educating myself through YouTube channels. This book really validated my experience especially through the description of the way such family dynamics operate and play out. It was very insightful and it seemed like the right time to read it. It helped solidify my strength and helped make me even more resolute in my decision to cut them out of my life, reminded me that I'm not alone in my experience, and made me feel like I am just about ready to let go of the need to watch the YouTube videos. I feel like I have enough understanding and support to go forward with little more than a monthly session with my counselor. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has the misfortune of having toxic family members and hope, for the sake of readers who haven't made the difficult decision to go No Contact that it will help you make that decision if it proves necessary.

This book gave me additional understanding on how it is okay to do the most difficult thing a mother or daughter has to do to protect my own emotional sanity. It is written with the depth and understanding of someone who has “walked through the shadow” of a relationship that has to end. Thankfully, the understanding that it is a beginning, not an end, is extremely valuable. Thank you Sherri

This book helped me gain an entirely new and higher perspective on toxic or dysfunctional family dynamics. It’s very informative and the content is well organized. I can’t begin to explain the many ways in which this book enlightened me on toxic people as well as family. It has helped me learn to give myself some grace, and gave me the tools to handle future situations with family if/when they arise. I have 4 stars because…. It doesn’t summarize family systems in the way I had hoped, and does tend to lean on being a book more so written for those who have been identified as the scapegoat (psychological term) in their family, or the golden child. However, there are other roles assigned which the author seems to brush over. Which to me, seems useful for the reader to be aware of. Some graphics to summarize the content would have been helpful. For easier digestion. Can be a bit triggering to read for some, especially those in the scapegoat role. So take your time! This book also reads a bit black and white, but when it comes to dysfunctional or toxic family systems, there are so many grey areas. I personally believe life isn’t as simple as the book makes it out to be, at least to me anyway. So be warned. Have an open mind, but don’t forget everyone’s situation is unique and it’s not meant to make the decision to cut ties with family for you…but guide you to make the decision for yourself (preferably with a therapist). Take what applies and process it. Overall, this book has changed my life for the better, and helped me figure out how to begin to process the grief, shame, and guilt over my mother’s recent passing, whom I had cut ties with a couple years prior. And who knows how much therapy that would have taken. So, thank you to the author for putting this out into the world so others might have a similar benefit when reading and gain a higher perspective on their own toxic family / family member(s)… which enables them to move forward on their unique path towards self growth and discovery.

This author has been there, and she nails how it feels, the dynamics and the damaging media & societal myths.

I read this book in 4 days. This book helped me so much in making decisions. My heart hurts but I will say books like this can help you begin to heal. Thank you to the author. I highted & tabbed so much of this book for those days I get into my head or have doubts

A must read to those who are so down on themselves having difficulty pulling up from the depression pit. You are not the only one. Dr. Sherrie has been there too. Turning her fears into a positive impact of leadership, she’s down to earth – approachable – empathetic. A true empowering humanitarian improving people’s lives by focusing on healing and recovery from dominant and controlling relationships. An easy read to understand. Dr. Sherrie’s book “But It’s Your Family” brought me full circle standing my ground with boundaries. What a page turner I absorbed quickly. She got me. All of me. And the toxicity that had made me physically ill for years. Unless you’ve been on the receiving end of abuse, you have no clue the degree abusers will go to destroy and break you down. I wasn’t “crazy” but rather gaslit daily resulting “broken.” An abusive marriage – smear campaigns – Protective Orders – stalking - court battles – blowback - divorce - aftermath. Followed with the most grueling emotional healing process from a blubbering mess of emptiness, desperation, and neediness that eventually lead to long lonely path of self-discovery and self-healing– more brutal than the abuse itself. Years of cussing God, I began asking his help. Thus, discovering Dr. Sherrie who I credit recovery. She became my support when others turned a blind eye. She taught me to become my own back up – unsilencing my voice, focusing on growth, purpose and gratitude. Her knowledge and wisdom pulled me through the darkest days journey to healing and forgiving myself. Her book became a survivor skill of manifestation and clarity. Twelve years later, I never knew living “normal” could be so much fun. God Bless Dr. Sherrie’s passion to help others!

I want to thank Dr. Campbell for sharing her insight into family displays of narcissistic behavior. As a woman in her seventies with an increasingly toxic older sister, I've read many good books and articles on narcissism, many of which were helpful as far as they went. "But It's your Family..." met me right where find myself now- informed and aware of my role in our sibling dysfunction, but not really knowing how to heal and move forward after choosing estrangement over manipulation. Having just finished this book, I better understand the things I need to keep in mind as I remain "no contact" in order to live peacefully. Thank you Dr. Campbell. I highly recommend this book for those who need encouragement to make their own decisions free of anyone else's judgmental abuse.

EDIT: I read the whole book within a few days. It was just an incredible read. I was amazed at how near identical the authors story is to my own. Also, all the various personality traits that are listed throughout the book that relate to people who are considered narcissistic, manipulative and evil are EXACTLY like my mother! I read this book out aloud to my wife after chapter one right to the end because I wanted to see if she agreed how spot on the author is with her descriptions of these dangerous, pathetic and evil relatives. My wife couldn’t believe how the author got it 100% right. We left it for over a year and now we’ve started reading the book again from the start! This book has helped me realise that NOTHING was my fault and that my behaviour was nothing other than ordinary. It made me realise how evil, manipulative, childish, game-playing, unsupportive, unloving and dangerous my mum is. And since reading the first time my sister has turned toxic and it turns out she was the ringleader all along; the one stirring the pot and causing the trouble behind our backs with lies. So now I can see how spot on the author is with her descriptions of toxic siblings too. Seriously… I wish I could give the author a massive hug and tell her how much she’s helped!! If you’re reading this… im forever grateful for you putting this book together but of course sad that it took a lifetime of unhappiness and toxicity from those who should have loved you, to put this together. Original review …. I am only a third of the way through this book and already I am completely blown away at how good it is. In fact, I read just the first few pages to my wife and we were amazed by then at just how utterly great this book is. It’s hard to believe that I didn’t write this myself, because every word so far is about something I can relate to. Not just the descriptions of a toxic parent/mother but the author’s own experiences and how she describes her mother is identical to my own situation and mother. Again, I’m only a few chapters in and have many more to go, but I absolutely love this and cannot wait to read the rest tomorrow. My wife has supported me tremendously recently thru my awful experiences with a toxic mother, father and sister all of which have without any justification whatsoever fallen out with me last year. My wife was so interested in this book that she allowed me to read it out aloud to her also. She is amazed like me at the similarities between the authors toxic family and my own. I got this book for a bit of help coping with the three terribly sad incidents that led to misunderstandings which ended my relationships with mum, dad and sister. As I’m only a third thru this book I haven’t ventured amongst the chapters relating to recovery, healing and learning to love yourself. But I am excited to read it. This is not necessarily a self help book. There are ways to help through the sad times, but a lot of what Sherrie writes about is to do with her own experiences, as well as those of her clients who come to see her. But this isn’t a bad thing. I feel sad that she has been thru so much in her life, but relating to it myself makes me feel like I am not alone. Knowing that toxic mothers share the same awful personality defects confirms to me that it’s not me that’s imagining things and that these family destroying people all share the same traits. If you’re after a book which just lists a load of ways in which you can get help, then this is not for you. This is a real life story book with descriptions of toxic people you will relate to, mixed with helpful suggestions of the recovery and healing processes. I cannot recommend this book enough and want to thank Sherrie for writing such an amazing publication. Thank you so much for sharing your stories and both professional and personal tips for getting back to normality.

Do not hesitate - perfect book for understand imperfect behaviour. My mind is so much clearer having read this and the sequel - important to read the second book too.

The book is helpful and outstanding?

Questo libro mi ha aiutato tanto. Ha dato un nome a quanto sentivo ma non riuscivo a capire. Grazie all’autrice che ha dedicato la sua esperienza ad aiutare altri con gli stessi problemi. Un libro che, se si vuole, può fare da divisore di acque.

Very insightful and such a personable book. Very grateful I stumbled upon it. Has been a revelation and a confirmation of what I've always felt. Definitely a must read! Especially if you are in a toxic environment.