Her Mother's Daughter: A Memoir of the Mother I Never Knew and of My Daughter, Courtney Love

While I found this memoir interesting, I couldn't help wanting to shake several people in it, including the author. Carroll's adopted parents are portrayed as cold and unloving, yet there are glimpses that they do care about this child they chose to adopt. But we only get glimpses of the author's life, not a full, robust picture, so it's impossible to tell if the relationship was really as it was portrayed or only as the author perceived it. Also, there is the suggestion of the author being molested, but the reader is never told if that's actually what happened; it's left up to the reader to decide if abuse took place or not. We also only get glimpses of the author's relationship with her children, though obviously we see a bit more of her relationship with her better-known first child...which makes the reader wonder if that was only to push book sales.As for the author herself, one get the idea that here is a woman who doesn't have a clue about life, let alone herself, yet she wants to become a therapist and help others...considering what has been told to the readers so far, one has to wonder if the author is delusional. Not only does she have a bad relationships with her adopted parents, she also has one with her husbands and does not know how to handle one child - yet goes on to have several more and adopt one also. Only at the end do we see the author finally recognize that she is the problem, or part of it, in all of her relationships. While no one can argue that Carroll's first-born has some severe problems to begin with, and which was exacerbated by a mother who doesn't know how to handle her (which can partially be attributed to being a first time mother), still one has to wonder what the affect of what Carroll did and didn't do had on her child, and on her subsequent children.The reader is also left to wonder why, after so many years of wondering what her real mother was like, the author left it for so long and also why she never mentions thinking about her real father, who after all, was responsible for half of her. And one wonders why, after finally finding out who her real mother was, they wrote letters for 3 months before meeting...then to find out that her real father had passed away just at the time she found her mother and they started writing to each other. It makes the reader wonder what would have happened if the author had searched for her parents sooner what might have happened, and if she would have gone on to do some of the things she did otherwise.While reading this book, one has to wonder what possible redeeming quality it has and why it needed to be written for publication. One also has to wonder if it would have found a publisher if the author's daughter and biological mother had not been famous in their own right. It's an interesting read, but not at hardcover cost...wait for the paperback.

I purchased this book because of its generational mother-to-daughter topic, knowing that with Linda Carroll being both a psychologist and an adoptee, she would add dual perceptions. Her book is clearly insightful, especially in Carroll's ways of dealing with the feelings of the adopted child (and somewhat less so of the adoptive parents' feelings), and she truly reveals some of the harmful "denial" aspects of adoption of the 1940s and 1950s, with its "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy--that somewhat veiled and secretive view of the adoption process all around: the biological parents, the adoptive parents, and the adopted child all becoming unknowing victims of that process. At that time, to be enlightened was to "forget about the past." Linda Caroll makes it clear that one can never be quite whole without all of those pieces to put into their places.Where Carroll is lacking slightly is in her depth of understanding of her adoptive parents' feelings and her own troubled daughter's, although she tries honestly and valiantly to do. Some parts still seem to be missing, and the reader comes away, mostly towards the end, sensing that some parts are just not there.Nevertheless, it is a well written book, and one that I couldn't put down. It also offers some insight into the 1960s and early 1970s in terms of our views of what works in a family, and what we know now, just doesn't.

I expected this one to be similar to Deborah Spungeon's "and I don't want to live this life," given the numerous comparisons between Nancy Spungeon and Linda Carroll's daughter, Courtney Love. Parenting is an obvious theme as the title implies, although Carroll's most famous child is not the primary focus. That said, "her mother's daughter" discussed this author's daughter as less of a nightmare child right out the womb, and discusses more about Love as a babe with complex wiring that Carroll felt she had fallen short of being able to address as a mother. Carroll's insecurities and feelings of isolation and insecurity are the prevailing theme of the book, not her daughter's antics or celebrity. "Her mother's daughter" differs from "And I don't want to live this life" in that it focuses primarily on Carroll's own complexities as a mother and daughter of both her adoptive parents and mysterious birth mother, rather than being a book about the struggles with a nightmare of a parenting experience.

I bought the book after reading an interview Linda gave in Psychology Today called Tortured Love. I tore the article out to share with a fellow therapist at work because it dealt with family's perspective and issues regarding one family member's severe mental illness and its effect on everyone. Linda seemed to question the concept of closure and it was suggested bearing witness was the more accurate way to describe the role of family members in these situations, which I tend to agree with. The article mentioned Linda's book about her own life and search for her natural mother. The book also dealt with the heartbreak of dealing with a child who at an early age demonstrates signs of significant mental illness. The book was a quick read and explored how repeating the same questionable behavior results in less than perfect outcomes; until we finally address the source of what is behind the poor decisions in the first place. Although Linda is herself a therapist, the book is written in a personal way about how Linda came to terms with the role her past played through out her life and how she has come to bear witness in regard to her daughter, Courtney Love, and her struggle with mental illness.

I read many positive criticisms of this book, but was sadly disappointed. The title indicates that Carroll is aware of some of the major themes parallelled in her own and in her daughter's life, namely what she calls the "curse of the firstborn daughter" that runs in her family and which compels these women to lead extraordinary lives. The observation seems acute, but at the same time, there seems to be so many more themes parallelled in the lives of Linda and Courtney that she seems oblivious to.Courtney has become known for dramatic behaviour. And although Linda tries to portray herself as a calmer person than Courtney, which she might well be, this book is still full of over-dramatization. It reads as a novel, and one sometimes doubts if Linda's memory is as good as she claims or if she has embellished events. Her tendency to over-dramatisize becomes very apparent in her descriptions of Courtney.One shocking event in the book is when Linda describes a 2 year old Courtney playing with a puppy, who falls down and breaks its leg. Courtney did not understand the animal's pain, which Linda took as evidence that Courtney is inherently incapable of understanding other people's pain. That is absurd: most toddlers do not understand that other creatures may feel differently than they do at the moment, they have no insight. Every pedagogue knows that children must be explained a painful situation, before they can grasp it.Courtney may have been a difficult child, but her mother shows her no empathy.After Courtney's birth, Linda is swept away in newer and newer relationships, even spending her heritage and uprooting her children to move to New Zealand. In the process, Courtney is abandoned by her mother several times, living with a terapist, a friend, at bording school, her stepfather.Linda explains her actions by claiming that Courtney has an innate biochemical imbalance. I will not speculate about that, but it seems that whatever problems a child might have, it would be exasperated by abandonment and being ignored. I now see Courtney's attention-grabbing behaviour in a new light.Thus, the underlying patterns of behaviour that mother and daughter seem to share, also becomes clearer: both Linda and Courtney tried drugs. Both Linda and Courtney went from relationship to relationship. Both Linda and Courtney wanted to live "interesting" lives, instead of very conventional lives. And both Linda and Courtney have a tendency to portray things in an over-dramatized light.These themes may be more overt in Courtney's life, but perhaps it is not a stretch to say she got it from somewhere.

I'll keep this review short (because the other reviews already say it all) This book was a fascinating read that I could not put down. Linda's life story makes for compelling reading. I am not a fan of Courtney Love but I do think she is an interesting character and reading this book it gives a better understanding on why she has turned out the way she has. Read this book, you won't regret it.