The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids

This is an excellent book about how the affluent have adopted undermining values (perfectionism, materialism) and how it negatively affects parenting style and causes psychological neurosis among teens. I am the parent of a teenage daughter who goes to a public high school in Marin County. Thus, we live in the social milieu described by Dr. Levine. The book content was both shocking and revealing to me. When I shared some of Dr. Levine's findings that I could not believe I would ask my daughter about them. Invariably, she confirmed that Dr. Levine was correct. That's how I found out that one of my daughter's acquaintances did cut herself frequently. That's also when I knew that Dr. Levine was onto something and not just sensationalizing another marketable myth about Marin County. Also, this book really is not about Marin County as it depicts a nationwide prevalent phenomenon of teenage psychological dysfunction among the affluent.The book's main thesis is that teenagers from affluent families suffer more intense psychological problems than anyone thought. Her findings reflects her 25 years of experience as a psychologist working with children in Marin County and her reviewing related clinical studies on the subject. Dr. Levine has extensively referenced the material of the book. Thus, her thesis and arguments are well supported by contemporary psychological research.The book includes four parts. The first part diagnoses the psychological problems affecting teenagers from affluent families. The second part reviews how our material culture contributes to undermining the development of the inner self. The third part provides recommendation on how to parent to overcome cultural hurdles and develop healthy children. The fourth part reflects on how you have to develop your own strength and independence before you can impart those qualities to your kids. The first three sections overlap a lot as diagnostics of affluent teenagers problems, criticism of our materialistic society, and advice on parenting are peppered throughout the book regardless of the section. Somehow, the liquidity in categorization of the topic does not detract in the book's readability.Dr. Levine mentions two key factors leading to dysfunctional teen among the affluent: The first is achievement pressure. The second is emotional isolation from parents. She observed that parents are over involved as far as grades and performance are involved but they are often too busy for down to earth conversation with their teens that would help their inner self growth.The parents' focus on performance leads to the kids' perfectionism that leads to serious problems. Dr. Levine observed that studies uncovered a strong relationship between perfectionism and suicide among teens that are gifted. It is not the parents' high expectations that are the culprit, but when parental love becomes conditional to the child's achievement.Within the third chapter of this section, Dr. Levine studies the counterintuitive disconnect between money and happiness. Once basic needs are met, apparently surplus money does not make people happier. Dr. Levine has reviewed cross lateral and longitudinal scientific studies that confirm that. For example, the Irish apparently are happier than the Germans and the Japanese. Yet, the Irish GDP per capita is about less than half the Germans or Japanese. Americans are not happier today than they were a generation ago even though their GDP per capita (adjusted for inflation) has nearly doubled.In the third part of the book, Dr. Levine analyzes parenting by referring to the seminal research of Dr. Baumrind who established the foundation of psychological studies on parenting. Dr. Baumrind differentiates between three parenting style: 1) authoritarian, 2) permissive, and 3) authoritative.The Authoritarian parent adopts a military style. They think of the child strictly as a subordinate. The parents order, the child obeys. And, that's it. This typically leads to terrible problems during the teen years. Either the teen violently explode out of rebellion or he breaks down. Such teens have often low self esteem, poor social skills, and a high rate of depression. Such child often lacks curiosity and creativity and is unable to explore and develop his inner self.The Permissive parent is very loving and caring but short on discipline. They think of the child as a friend. The resulting teen is often likable and has high self-esteem. But, they tend to be impulsive, immature, and lack awareness of the responsibility of their own action. They also have lower rates of academic achievement and higher rates of substance abuse.The Authoritative parent is warm and accepting, but they set clear expectations and limits. They place a high value on cooperation, responsibility, and self-regulation. They value achievement and self-motivation but do not emphasize competition. Authoritative parents promote autonomy by encouraging children to figure it out on their own whenever they can. Such parents support the child's growing autonomy by focusing both on independence and connection. As expected, such household foster better overall child development with lower rate of depression and substance abuse than either of the other two parenting styles. Autonomy, not dependency, is always the goal of such parenting style.If you have a daughter, I also strongly recommend Louann Brizendine "The Female Brain." She dedicates an excellent chapter to the "Teen Brain." This book informs that female teen behaviors are not only a function of the social milieu but are strongly influenced by an abrupt change in hormonal levels. We all know that. But, Brizendine really educates one in detail about the process and how to deal with it. Some of us need all the help we can get, right!?

I really enjoyed this book and the topics addressed. It was an eye-opening exploration of the hidden challenges faced by affluent families. With insightful analysis and compelling anecdotes, Levine sheds light on the complexities of parenting in privileged environments. Her thoughtful approach offers invaluable guidance for fostering genuine connection and resilience in children. A must-read for anyone navigating the delicate balance of wealth and well-being.

This is a good book, overall. It has an interesting thesis/premise: Parental pressure and material advantage are creating a generation of disconnected and unhappy kids.The author tells us that she is a psychologist who has been working with troubled kids for 25 years. She says that parents with troubled kids are typically terrified to bring their kids in for therapy. But they have money, and the kids are exhibiting problems.A problem with the thesis of the book is that she is not able to prove it. In fact, she only sees a subset of kids, ones who come from privilege and have problems. And, she only sees a very small number of these. Tons of other kids in similar environments, presumably, do not have these same problems. What about them? How do they fit in here?What the author probably wants to say is that there is an increasing subset of kids from affluent homes, a minority, still, who are having problems that very likely could be caused by parental pressure associated with material advantage.To support her thesis, she tells us that studies have found that kids from affluent families tend to suffer more anxiety and/or depression than kids from other socio-economic groups. And, she tells us that the rate of teenage suicide has quadrupled since 1950. But most will go away from the book, I would think, feeling that that much more data is needed to prove the author’s thesis.And, I want to make this point early: I’m a big fan of another book, “The Nurture Assumption,” by Judith Rice Harris. This author of this book says that the main drivers of how kids turn out is not their parents and what they do or not do. The main drivers, per Harris, are peer groups and genetics. Parents are a bit more than wallpaper, but not much.If you buy the Harris thesis, then what parents do or do not do relative to their kids is of minimal importance. What this does is blow off any claims by parents who have “produced” successful kids that it was their money that was behind the success. But it also gets affluent parents off the hook when things go south, as they do 10-20 percent of the time.So, a basis problem with the book, to me, is that the author does not acknowledge nor talk about extreme situations that cannot be connected to or explained by situations within the home. Some kids are simply physically predisposed to alcohol and drugs. Some become schizophrenic, others become psychopaths or sociopaths. Some girls get pregnant early. The list goes on and on.My point is that not all “failures” in raising kids can be explained by privilege or parenting oversight. That is too easy. The truth is that many parents succeed despite themselves, not because of their efforts in directly aiding their kids. Others “fail” despite all good efforts and intentions. For the most part, it is simply out of their control.But, apparently, the author does not want to include this perspective. In this way, she leads the reader to believe that all kids can be successful, as long as the parents do not go overboard…even if that includes just getting out of the way. Also, with money, they can get therapy for their troubled kids.But let’s move on. Having said all this, there is clearly a market for this book.So, if we take it for what it is worth, perhaps the best value from the book is the explanation that most of the kids the author sees really do not “know themselves” well, nor do they have good skills to use in the “outside” world. Per the author, they “tend to be overly dependent on the opinions of parents, teachers, coaches and peers….”That is good information. She says, “the most important task of childhood and adolescence (is) the development of sense of self.” Having this gives kids a foundation onto to which they can anchor their lives.Amen.One of the burdens of affluent parents, frequently, is that society says that ample income should imply good parenting. In other words, parents with money should produce successful kids. Period. But, per the author, “When parents place an excessively high value on outstanding performance, children come to see anything less than perfection as a failure.”She also says that money does not “buy” happiness or unhappiness. She is in the school of thought that much of what makes us happy or unhappy is in our genes. And she says that it is “internal motivation” that should drive kids to figure out their individual interests, talents and passions. She says that this drive is innate. She also says that the effort to always be on the top of our game, whether it be for students or their parents, can be exhausting.More good stuff.But what she does not say is that, other than genetic factors, kids could be mixed at birth and probably come out about the same, regardless of who raises them. But that is not her thesis. Plus, that would not sell many books.To her credit, she does say that the vast majority of teens make it through adolescence “relatively unscathed.” In other words, there are tons of variables and tons of roads to take. What could be added here, however, is that kids from relatively affluent homes do have some advantages: They simply have more time, in general, to figure out their lives, compared with kids from more modest backgrounds. They have more shots at second chances. They have the opportunities to do therapy.But these advantages may make it even more unacceptable to have a kid who is from an affluent home “fail.” Yikes!The author talks a bit about the mental health of parents. But this is a subject for another book. She says if parents don’t follow rules, they should not expect their kids to do so, either. Again, she stresses that parental over-involvement can lead to bad results. She labels them “uber parents,” who, of course, risk the possibility that their kids might simply outgrow them, as the kids reach periods in their lives when they no longer need significant parental oversight. To make this point, she quotes one kid as saying, “I wish my mother would get another hobby other than me.”Three parental styles are discussed: Authoritarian, Permissive and Authoritatative. But this is high-level, simplistic stuff. Obviously, there are more complicated variables than these, especially when problems erupt.She also says that, as parents, “You will need to mold, guide, correct, punish, inform, monitor and model.” “Criticize” is a technique that she says should be seldom used. She also talks about “discipline,” but this is a complicated factor, one that obviously has various ramifications.Another area discussed is the role of competition: “Affluent communities emphasize competition and extrinsic markers of success, such as high grades, trophies, and admission to prestigious schools. This cultivates external, as opposed to internal, motivation, putting children at risk for a host of psychological difficulties.”But you can see the problem here. In this environment, some parents and kids will thrive, while others will not. Same environment, differing results. And that, of course, is the problem with most of this discussion: Hindsight is 20-20. If the result is good, let the celebrations begin. If there is failure, the causes rest on the shoulders of the affluent parents. Their life may look “perfect” going in. But have a “failure” as a kid and your “friends” will leave you like a bad penny. And you have simply nowhere to hide.But in the area of competition, the author says that some affluent communities that have begun to tone down the excess. At the same time, she also points out the growth of high school and college bookstore shelf space when it comes to school sweatshirts and other items. These products represent school pride. The growth of these items speaks for itself.In her own life, the author says she once scolded her son for getting a B+ in a class that he formerly received an “A.” But then, later, she noted the remarks of the teacher: “Hard-worker. Kind and good-hearted person. Considerate and thoughtful.” She felt like a fool.Near the end of the book, she says, “This book has stressed the value of authenticity in leading an independent, loving and independent life.”On a personal level as the reviewer of this book, perhaps the most profound statement I heard in going to college was when one professor told us that the purpose of going to college should be to make us “independently intellectual.” That made sense to me. Still does.Ending the book on a positive note, the author reverts to generalities, saying, “If we (as parents) can keep our sights properly focused on what really matters…we can bring down the…unacceptable levels of emotional suffering documented in our affluent children.”Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know that the devil is in the details. And raising a kid is full of details, both in the lives of parents, kids and everything in between.No way does this book have all the answers.

There's no simple solution or package formula to best educate our children and adolescents. This book brings some insights into this task: instincts, love, family quality time, equilibrium at home, equilibrium in parents' life are some of them. Is it too heavy? Look for a therapist for you and your kid. Much of the kid's problems are in fact consequences of the parent’s... Be aware of this.

Excellent book

A great book- some important insights on what children really need to succeed. It is well researched, easy to read and gives concrete insights on what to do differently.

Cannot say enough good things about this book. I always thought that it was unique to our family but this book opened my eyes. It gave me the answers that I've been seeking for years. I just wish that I would have read this sooner. I am so grateful to the author for such a well written book.

Great Read