Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief

If you ever find yourself wondering what to do for someone who has experienced the death of a child or someone close to them, buy two copies of this book. Give the first copy to the bereaved, and read the other copy to educate yourself on how to comfort your grieving loved one. The cost of the book is a fraction of what it takes to have flowers delivered, and it will do far more good and have a much more lasting impact than any bouquet could offer. Of the many books I have read about grief and loss, this was by far the most helpful. Before I was even halfway finished with this book, I ordered another ten copies to give as gifts. As of this writing, I have four copies left. Writing as someone who facilitates support groups for parents whose children have died and as a bereaved parent, I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone who is grieving or who wants to help someone who is. After the deaths of my two oldest sons at the age of 21, the depth of my grief terrified me. I dared not fully surrender to it, afraid of where it might take me and unsure of whether I could ever return to a functional life afterwards. To me, grief was a feeling I suppressed as much as possible, and something I fought like a tiger when I could not escape its clutches. Dr. Cacciatore helped me (in her words) “to understand that monster [grief] isn’t separate from me.” "Bearing the Unbearable" lays bare the process of grief, making it available for inspection and understanding. And seen in the light of day, I found it to be far less frightening. Some writers are great storytellers and some have a poetic way with words; others are masters of their subject matter. Dr. Cacciatore combined all three talents to produce a book that is loving, informative, unflinching, soothing, honest (sometimes brutally so), and uplifting. Although the book is an easy read and I am a voracious reader, I did not finish it in one sitting. I paused frequently to savor Dr. Jo’s words and let them sink into my heart and soul. I then re-read the book with a highlighter at hand, marking some passages that I believed would be valuable in a support group setting, and other sections that seemed to have been written just for me. Chapters 12 and 18, "Intensity and Coping" and "The Practice of Being With", were inspiring to me as a facilitator. "Early Manifestations of Grief", Chapter 4, is the most heavily highlighted chapter in my copy, and it has proved particularly helpful in group with the newly-bereaved. But Chapter 13, "Contraction and Expansion", truly spoke to my soul. It defined for me in hindsight a process that I have experienced time and again since the deaths of my sons. I came to see that my periods of contraction were not evidence of a failure to cope, but were instead a valuable coping mechanism. As she is well-acquainted with grief in its many forms, Dr. Cacciatore’s thoughtful words serve to make bereavement less terrifying. Her unique understanding of grief makes me certain that I can navigate this journey, and relying on "Bearing the Unbearable" gives me confidence that I can help others do it, too. Dr. Cacciatore - Thank you for this book. Harriet Beecher Stowe could have been describing you when she wrote: “There are in this world blessed souls, whose sorrows all spring up into joys for others; whose earthly hopes, laid in the grave with many tears, are the seed from which spring healing flowers and balm for the desolate and the distressed.”

This special book is a must read for anyone who has experienced loss (all of us), for helping professionals, and for those supporting the bereaved. Dr. Cacciatore has a remarkable way of writing about death and dying in ways that make the journey bearable. Dr. Jo is an expert on traumatic grief, with her own personal experience as well as years of academically researching the subject. She talks about death and dying in straight forward and elegant language with the net effect of allowing the reader into her world and the worlds of others who have borne the unbearable. In our grief phobic culture, where we are pressured to stay forever young, youthful and even death defying, Dr. Jo reminds us that death is inevitable for us all. We have been led to believe the "natural order of things" (that our children outlive us) is sadly a construction of a death phobic culture. Her experience both personally as a Mother and professionally as an expert in the field of grief and loss is the backdrop for this lovely book, which reads like a poem. This life affirming book about death, dying and loss reminds us how significant the present moment is in our lives, and how our need to control even invades the grief process. The book includes 51 brief chapters that introduce us to important topics regarding grief and loss, and to special people who Dr. Jo has helped in her career as a grief therapist. The book reminds us for the need for self care as a pathway through grief. It reminds those of us who are helping professionals for our own self care as a way to provide effective care for others. It reminds me to listen deeply to my clients who rail and cry over their losses, deeply listen, rather than cut off their stories to share with them whatever "intervention" I believe will help their suffering. In fact, Dr. Jo reminds us that it is the telling of the story of the lost beloved which is perhaps the most healing part of therapeutic treatment - the opportunity to deeply listen, to immerse myself in the suffering of my client with them. We learn in this book that grief cannot be circumvented. We must immerse ourselves in it to fully experience it. Inhabit the grief; listen to the grief; learn from our grief and loss. And perhaps, but without guarantee, we may someday be able to make meaning out of our unbearable losses following kindness, care and attention to ourselves and our grief. In this medicalized culture where we are encouraged to take a pill (or twenty) to shove away our feelings and numb ourselves to the experiences of life (both good and bad) it seems a radical approach. Having personally witnessed the effect that deep listening can provide to a bereaved person, I am convinced that this is the only way. Thank you, Dr. Cacciatore, for this important work. I hand it out to all of my clients, and have given copies to family and friends. I highly recommend it to all who hope to help those who cry for their beloved family members, gone all too soon.

I wrote the following review of this se sitive a d informative book when I had just started to read. I finished it a while ago a d have since pirchased additional copjes to give to thos who, I know, will. Enefjt from its message. There are dozens a d dozens of books on grief out there....but rarely does one find a book like this...i.e. one that deaches to the soul, resonates with it and leaves the reader feeli g heard a d less alone as well as givi g permissiin to grieve in tneir own unique way. I can. Ot recommemd this book enough. Original review: I have waited for this book for months. I "accidentally" ordered and received 3 copies today and decided to give two of them to friends rather than return them. The book is "Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief". I have lost track of the number of books and articles I have read (and written) on loss, trauma a d grief, and of that long list there are just a few that reach deep into my soul, resonate with all I am, and allow me to feel heard/felt, understood, accepted, not judged and less alone with grief. I am about two hours into Dr. Joanne Cacciatore's treasure trove of insight, wisdom, compassion, empathy, vulnerability, and oh, so much more. This is a book for everyone.... when I finish it, I know I will be changed by all it has given me. I have been in touch with Joanne since Bill died. She is an incredible person dedicated to educating and assisting the bereaved drawing on her own experience, self, education and more. She has reached out to me and thousands of others in so many ways. How grateful I am for her presence on this planet and this book...which I know I will read and refer to many times. I cannot recommend "Bearing the Unbearable" enough. Thank you, Joanne for all you are and all you inspire in me and all you do for so many. I will add to this, once I finish it.

I gifted this to my best friend after her mother passed away and she really enjoyed the book

Highly recommend this book. Losing a loved one, especially a child is the worst and this book was helpful to my understanding and healing, if that is even possible.

Great book. I lost my wife 6 months ago and this book really touches on lots of the issues I am dealing with and gives me hope for the future.

FOR OVER 35 YEARS, I have had the honor to tell others' stories through documentary film. I've tackled painful subjects from the poor and homeless to race relations — and perhaps oddly, always found it therapeutic; mainly because I "knew" I was helping others to understand these very complex and emotionally challenging subjects, while hopefully motivating the viewer to take positive action. A few years ago, I produced a film about parents and others who'd lost children and loved ones to psychiatric drugs. IMAGINE for a moment that you are one of these parents: you've seen your child's behavior change radically AFTER they were prescribed these drugs, and then you were ignored and even ridiculed by doctors, teachers, and government officials for telling them about the side effects. So you did your best—and followed the doctor's advice. Days, weeks, or months later, your child "committed suicide" while in a state of akathisia caused by psychotropic drugs. You are devastated, of course ... lost, hurt, despondent and angry. No one believed you that the drugs caused this — no one. But I believed them—because I knew the science .. and because I'd heard the same painful stories hundreds of times before from every day, "normal" parents and loved ones. So, I promised these families thatI would tell their stories, which was an immensely powerful and painful experience. I felt such an intense responsibility to help these voices to "be heard." So I slogged my through years of 18 hour days and created a powerful film aimed at honoring the children so tragically lost. But when the project was over, I was traumatized, unable to shake the horror I'd witnessed firsthand. This "PTSD" of sorts nagged me for months until—quite blessedly—I heard about this book by Joanne Cacciatore, called "Bearing the Unbearable." I would come to learn that Dr. Cacciatore's book was replete with stories like mine — and reflected her own struggles with grief after she'd served others so selflessly for decades. I was moved and mesmerized when I read of her own experience with loss .. and truly captivated to discover how she had moved past the pain and anguish to become even more aware and centered than ever before. From that point on, I realized what a gift this book truly is—not only for the bereaved, but for those dogged by guilt, loss, trauma, years of disappointment, and more. BEARING THE UNBEARABLE is one of those unique books which fills so many niches. It communicates so powerfully and empathetically that there's something in here for ANYONE who is hurting, who is trying to regain their equilibrium, or who is simply trying to learn to live and laugh again. We all need this book. I am so thankful I found it when I did. Thank you Dr. Cacciatore for this heartwarming and vital offering. May it Bless millions of people in need.

This is hands down the best book I have read on grief yet.

It actually saved me and completely transformed the way I view grief. Recommended for anyone who has lost someone, especially a child.

Excelente livro, que aborda a temática do luto de forma belíssima, acolhedora e cuidadosa! Amei

Das Buch kam leider beschädigt an. Inhaltlich kann ich noch nichts dazu sagen.

I recently started reading Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Dr Joanne Cacciatore. Joanne is a berieved parent herself and also has a PHD in grief counseling. What I have found in reading this book is that it validates every single emotion that I have felt since we lost our daughter, the book is written simply and in a language that every person who is grieving over the loss of a loved on can understand. The book has made me realise that love and grief go together and that hopefully/eventually my love for my daughter and my grief over losing her will sit side by side in my heart. Joanne has also shown me that my life is now like a jigsaw puzzle that will always have a piece missing, but that jigsaw is still a beautiful picture. I will always carry grief in my heart for the rest of my days but, like the jigsaw with the missing piece, that piece will live on in my heart making the jigsaw complete, - my life complete although different. That grief will sit beside the love that I have for my daughter and that the love and therefore the memories will never leave me. This has given me the courage to carry on. The book has also validated that I have become a different person and that is OK despite what our society tells us and expect from us who grieve. I would recommend this book as one of the best to help any one who is walking down the road of grief. I have read a lot of books about grief and love and this is by far the best that I have read, it should be the benchmark for every grief counselor! Thank you Joanne, you have helped me more than you can ever imagine and given me a wonderful gift. Phillip Spencer JP

il miglior libro sul lutto che abbia mai letto. Mi ha aiutato tantissimo, mi sono sentita completamente compresa, ho avuto la netta percezione che la profondità del mio dolore fosse legittimata. Solo così si può iniziare a stare bene. Questo non è un libro per chi no ha la forza di attraversare e guardare in faccia la propria disperazione. Ti aiuta ad accettarla, ma contemporaneamente ti da la chiave per iniziare a vedere la luce. Vorrei poter ringraziare l'autrice di persona, mi ha davvero preso per mano, accompagnandomi fuori dal tunnel della disperazione. Lo ha fatto, facendomi accettare la devastazione che sentivo e in un secondo momento regalandomi la forza di riaprirmi al mondo. Non è un libro per chi vuole la ricetta per mettere il lutto sotto al tappeto, ma per chi vuole trasformare questa tremenda esperienza, in un'opportunità per diventare piu consapevole e grato.