NIGEL FARAGE TEDDY BEAR, UKIP

As all my previous cuddly toys had come from Oxford or Cambridge I thought this one might be a bit more down to earth. Unfortunately on getting him out of the wrapper, he quickly formed a powerful militia with the others - something I believe then caused the mysterious disappearance of all of my smaller, less popular toys.

I found this teddy bear the perfect sacrifice to set on fire, he went up in flames perfectly. 5/5 would buy for annual dick head burning ceremony again.

This is the perfect gift for children who are averse to being part of the European Union.Do check their politics with the parents first though.

Another of the never ending stream of immigrants from Peru who end up selling their bodies for your pleasure. Disgusting!

I gave this to my eight-year old son and in a couple of days he was swigging pints of bitter, smoking cigarettes and complaining about foreign doctors. Should come with a health warning...

Bought one of these for my wife Carol recently, as Nigel Fararge is one of her favourite TV characters at the moment. The comedian who plays him is a wonderful actor, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets a BAFTA or something. How he can come out with that stuff and keep a straight-face is beyond me!