Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage

This book helps me feel less alone in my battle with my in laws. It also helps prevent me from being gaslighted and provides good talking points for couples therapy

Wow, this is a great book. I can certainly relate to the frustrations of what it feels like to be the "abandoned partner" that Susan Forward speaks about in this book. I could really relate to a lot of the case studies, as my own father-in-law and mother-in-law are very controlling and manipulative, and have been attempting to cram their selfish agenda down our throats.It's been a struggle for me to convince my wife to find her voice in this, and overcome her fear of disappointing her parents. She has a lot of "people pleaser" in her, and can summon up her courage when her parents aren't present, but as soon as she is face to face with them, she feels like a scared little girl. And so I have felt outnumbered in attempting to set healthy boundaries in our marriage. My wife is about half way through the book now, and she is starting to see just how frustrated I feel when she leaves me hanging out to dry, and doesn't give me her support. Her parents then convince her that I'm the bad guy, and I'm really an arrogant jerk.This book has put into words my frustration better than anything I've ever read before, and it's helping my wife to understand just how abandoned I feel when she doesn't "stand by her man" (Incidentally, my wife actually agrees with my viewpoints when we're discussing things privately. She just fails to find her voice when it's "showtime" and we have to confront her parents). Anyway, it was a wonderful "eye opener" for my wife.However, in terms of actually putting strategies in place for protecting and defending your marriage, while it is decent in this regard, I think Forward's other book "Emotional Blackmail" appears to provide more detail on how to deal with a blackmailer.So if you are trying to get a reluctant (or fearful) spouse on board with boundary - setting, I recommend "Toxic In-Laws". If your spouse is already on board, but you need to develop courageous tactics for communicating with your emotional blackmailer, I think the second half of "Emotional Blackmail" would be spectacular. In our case, it will add up as follows: "Toxic In-Laws" + "Emotional Blackmail" (the 2nd half) = healthy boundaries for our marriage.

Okay, honestly, this has been one of my favorite books so far. I have had issues with my in-laws (as I'm sure most people have) for a while. When talking to others or searching for advice online, there are only seem to be two types of stories about in-laws -thoughtful, fantastic, loving in-laws or destructive, cruel, careless in-laws. Sure, my husband's parents aren't exactly perfect, but I also wouldn't consider them purposefully malevolent either. This book, though it seems like it should only help those in dire circumstances, has been extremely useful in my marriage. While reading I constantly felt affirmed in my issues with my in-laws and with my husband. After being told "it's not that big of a deal," and "you're too sensitive," reading this book helped me remember that I am also important in my new family, and my feelings and thoughts are valid. I now have the tools to combat toxic actions from my in-laws, and I can differentiate between purposefully mean actions and thoughtless rude ones. While the examples of toxic in-laws in the book are often cruel toward their children' partners, they are still not condemned. The author makes sure to recognize what has created this pattern of abuse in their relationships and sinuses how to move toward a better solution for everyone involved. The specific "scripts" she adds toward the end of the book are so helpful when you don't know how or what to say when you're hurt by your partner or their parents. I am currently trying to commit them to memory to use when needed in the future.Another important use of this book is to assess your own relationship with your parents. I know my husband has issues with my parents, but I had no idea of how to help him solve them since he has trouble putting his issues into words. After reading Toxic In-Laws, my eyes have been opened to how my husband must feel when dealing with my parents' unhealthy actions toward us. I am trying to convince him to read this book so we can both understand each other's concerns about each set of parents.In short, this book is great even if you aren't sure how toxic your in-laws are or if your partner has issues with your parents. I recommend this book to anyone who has concerns about parents' involvement in their marriage.

Great book really easy to read. Wasnt boring at all. I suggest reading all of the chapters even if you dont think they will apply. You might just surprise yourself. It helped me alot to learn to soften my heart and how to effectively communicate with my spouse about his parents.

Great book...Really very helpful

After having read 'Toxic Parents', I was very pleased to find this book, and knew immediately it would live up to the same standard. I wasn't disappointed. For those of us unlucky enough to be 'blessed' with difficult and even down right thoroughly toxic in-laws, this book not only helps the reader to feel less alone in their plight, but gives useful insight and practical advice, tips, and step-by-step guidance in dealing with such harridans. Beware - it's more than likely to stir up some difficult memories and inner turmoil, but one is so much more enlightened, forewarned, and empowered upon reaching the end of the book.

[Diese Publikation ist englischsprachig].Die wörtliche Bedeutung von INLAW ist in seriösem englisch: "a relative by marriage", und von TOXIC ": of, relating to, or caused by a poison or toxin" [=Webster's New Encyclopedic Dictionary, Könemann, 1993].... und in saloppem Deutsch heißt das: angeheiratete bucklige Verwandtschaft, überwiegend angewendet auf Schwiegereltern, wobei ich persönlich mir die Freiheit nehme, darunter ALLE "relatives" einzuordnen.Susan Forward hat in dieser hier rezensierten Publikation dargestellt, welche Gefahren für das eigene selbstbestimmte Leben von einer übermächtigen "Familie" ausgehen können. Die Autorin befaßt sich dabei schwerpunktmäßig mit Schwiegereltern und Schwiegerkindern.Im einzelnen, und um herauszufinden, ob man dem Kreis derart "gequälter" SchwiegerTÖCHTER oder SchwiegerSÖHNE (!!!) zuzurechnen ist, stellt sie zu Anfang konkrete Fragen:"Do your in-Laws:- Steadily criticize or belittle you?- Regularly turn to your partner, to meet their needs?- Make derogatory comments about your appearance, work, political or religious beliefs, or things that are important to you?- Regularly give unsolicited advice?- Criticize the way you raise your children?- Make unreasonable demands on your time?- Let you know you are unwelcome in their family?- Drink excessively or abuse drugs?"If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, you have in-laws who create chaos in your marriage and assume they have the right to control your life."Soweit die Autorin Susan Forward. Es ist ein lesenswertes Buch, das allerdings bereits anno 2001 publiziert wurde und deshalb mit der gebotenen Einschränkung zu neueren Erkenntnissen zu betrachten ist.Dennoch halte ich dieses Buch auch heute noch für eine der bemerkenswertesten Veröffentlichungen dieses Genres. Denn bereits damals hat die Autorin erkannt, welche überaus gefährlichen Einflüsse für ein selbstbestimmtes Leben ausgehen können von einer "übermächtig" präsenten Familienstruktur, wenn und soweit sie irgendwie "allgegenwärtig" und/oder "mitbestimmend" ist.Ich selbst gehöre zu der Nachkriegsgeneration, deren "Unterdrückung" ihrer heutzutage selbstverständlichen Rechte gewissermaßen zum Alltag gehörten, und ich frage mich oft genug, wie um-Himmels-Willen gerade ICH mit meiner immer schon großen Klappe es einigermaßen "ohne nennenswertes Blutvergießen" durch diese so frauenfeindlich-rechtlose Zeit überhaupt schaffen konnte. Na ja, das persönliche Schicksal ließ mich in einem 4-Frauenhaushalt aufwachsen und bescherte mir eine Power-Mutter und zwei Power-Schwestern -- daas hat geprägt und so manchen "Gegner" das Fürchten gelehrt. Jedenfalls verließ ich dieses "einengende" Umfeld, um endlich mein eigenes Leben bestimmen zu können, und heiratete im zarten Alter von 18 Jahren den "Mann meines Lebens."... und damit seine Mutter, seine Schwestern, und alle Schwäger und -kinder. Mein "selbstbestimmtes Leben" endete in einer Scheidung. Damals begann ich, leise zu ahnen, welch hohe Bedeutung den In-Laws zukommen kann, wenn man sich einen demgegenüber "schwachen" Partner aussucht ...Auch nach vielen Jahren zähen Ringens verlor ich jeden Kampf gegen übermächtige In-Laws, obwohl ich vermeintlich "klüger" geworden war und ganz gewiß alles andere als ein Schwächling bin, sondern eher den Kämpfern dieser schwierigen Welt zuzuordnen bin. Vergeblich. Warum? Ich weiß es nicht, vermutlich "liebe" ich anders: weniger besitzergreifend, mehr auf das Wohlergehen des Partners bedacht? Vielleicht ...Die Autorin Susan Forward hat sehr viele gute Aspekte und Gedanken zu dieser Problematik erarbeitet und an vielen Fallbeispielen dargestellt. Mir persönlich hat es dazu verholfen, wenigstens einigermaßen zu begreifen, wie vielfältig der Begriff "Liebe" verstanden und gelebt wird. Und daß man "aufgeben" darf, wenn's unerträglich wird. Aber ich habe auch gelernt einzusehen, daß manche Menschen derart fest verankert sind "with their engulfers", daß es hoffnungslos ist, dorten ein eigenes Leben führen zu wollen --- ein EIGENES Leben, sagte ich, NICHT, auch mal machen zu dürfen, was man will!, was bekanntlich nicht dasselbe ist."Engulf" = verschlingen. "Engulfers" nennt Susan Forward sie, diese Familienmitglieder, welche "are happy to acknowledge your goodness, your irreplaceable contribution to the family. They want to be with you, and they invest you with the unique ability to make their lives better [S.41ff]"Auch mit dem guten, nein schlechten, alten Image von Schwiegermüttern räumt Susan Forward auf, denn "But mothers-in-law have no monopoly on bullying, manipulation, or guilt-peddling when they want their way ..."(S. 67); konkrete Fallbeispiele machen hinlänglich deutlich, daß "fathers-in-law" ganz zu Unrecht viel zu selten "in die Schußlinie" geraten ... denn auch Schwiegerväter können durchaus ein "vergiftender" Faktor sein. Nicht zuletzt aber macht die Autorin eindringlich darauf aufmerksam, daß weder Konfrontation noch Unterwerfung gefragt sind ["… I'm not suggesting for a moment that you passively accept behavior that is clearly unacceptable. But I am suggesting that if you look carefully at your unrealistic expectations and WHAT YOU BRING TO THE CONFLICTS with your in-laws, you may see the outlines on an emotional map that you have the power to change. (Introduction, xv) …].Noch problematischer wird es, wenn der eigene Lebenspartner nicht weiß, wo er tatsächlich "hingehört", weil die ständige Präsenz seiner Eltern für ihn ebenfalls zu seinem Lebensinhalt "gekoren" wurde. In einem so ungünstigen Fall kann man nur noch beten, sich selbst aufgeben -- oder davonlaufen. In diesem Sinne kann man nur noch mit der Autorin konstatieren: "When you have in-law problems, you have marriage problems."... oder Probleme mit dem eigenen Selbstverständnis. Allerdings hat die Autorin leicht sagen, " WHAT YOU BRING TO THE CONFLICTS with your in-laws …", wenn man an einer problematischen Beziehung festhalten, oder gar um sie kämpfen will. Wer will beurteilen, wann Schwiegereltern im weitesten Sinne "Engulfers" sind und wann die liebevollen Ratgeber?Die Autorin Susan Forward hat sich kluge Gedanken zu diesem äußerst heiklen Thema gemacht, und es lohnt sich auch nach Jahr und Tag noch immer, darüber nachzudenken. Ändern kann man vermutlich nur wenig, aber man kann darauf achten, ob und wann diese "Falle" aufgestellt wird, "when they pull out the Big Guns […] 3. You're the Problem. Sooner or later, the blame will most likely get shifted to you […]" S.266ff.Englischsprachig, also "from the horses mouth", können wir uns von dieser empathischen amerikanischen "Susan Forward, Ph.D. is one of the nation's leading psychotherapist, a best selling author and highly sought after lecturer, talkshow guest and media personality." (= Info Google) anhand (angeblicher) Fallbeispiele darüber schlaumachen lassen, wie es "laufen" kann. Oder wir können uns von dieser sympathischen Autorin trösten lassen, wenn und weil wir in diese "Opferrolle" geraten.Mein persönliches Fazit: Lieben will gelernt sein, auf welcher Position auch immer. Und: Es muß nicht immer der Liebes-Partner sein, der "toxische" Einflüsse auf eine Beziehung nehmen kann ...

This book touches upon what seemed to be every type of toxic in-law relationship and gives excellent suggestions on how to navigate these issues with both your spouse and your in-laws. I could relate to a great deal of what the author had to say.