Nasty People: How to Stop Being Hurt by Them without Stooping to Their Level

A friend had many years ago read the original version of Nasty People. In discussing our “same common enemy” he was always offering great insight as to what makes the mean people tick - then he told me about having read Nasty People and didn’t know if the book was still in print. Much to our delight we discovered that the original had been updated and expanded. Great read - layman’s terms and so informative and tells you like it is. Ends too soon, makes you hungry for more explanation about these “invalidators” and why they need to continually feed their egos. And sadly we don’t always see what’s happening - to us (!) by them (!!). Sometimes these invalidators are disguised as friends or family. I definitely recommend Nasty People and after you’ve finished you will want to reread it!

Iin the course of reading, I realized that Jay Carter, Psy.D. obviously has the clinical experience to back up his insights. He is conversational and to the point and offers lots of examples of how to deal with nasty people, or invalidators, and how to do it in such a way that one has the opportunity to look at oneself at the same time, (since we've all been guilt of invalidating at some point), and do it all with compassion and without judgment.This is a book about mental health and hygiene in a different kind of way, and I can see his spirituality in the explanations, such as in the way he illuminates behaviors and discourages labelling people. Instead he helps to look at behaviours, the underlying awareness necessary to empathize (hurt people hurt people), and then how to deal with these behaviors effectively. This is a very loving soul with important information to share.This book is fantastic and I could teach a mini course on this. In fact, it should be taught as a part of a larger emotional intelligence curriculum.

I bought this book a few hours ago and finished reading it in about two hours.This book was penned as a cathartic exercise. Carter states that he was a victim first and then when he studied psychology, he realized what was happening to him. He later put his findings in book form, to help people. This is probably true of any pop-psychology book, since humans are primarily emotionally motivated. This fact makes the book very readable, and very true to life. One can relate to the facts and situations presented.This book can be a hard read for victims, because it touches raw nerves too often, but that is unavoidable and necessary for healing.As with many self help books, it identifies the situation very well, and helps put things in perspective. However, it falls a tad short in offering tips to remedy the situation. This is not to say that no such tip is offered, no, not at all. The author does give tips, but I feel they left me wanting. A little more elaboration and a few more tips would have made this an amazing book. But it is still a very good book. It certainly makes one aware of one's blind spots and that is a huge accomplishment in itself.I was put off by a subliminal theme of Judaism/Israel running in the book. The author brought up the crusades, 9/11 and the holocaust, which seemed to be imperceptibly making a case for continued Jewish/Israeli support, in the face of Palestinian genocide.(less)

This is a really nice and practical book. After reading it, I felt inspired, encouraged and more confident. I got a new perspective, and started using the advice in real life. Now I am able to detect an invalidation easily, and handle it without taking it personally, mostly because now I understand the entire mechanism.Handling invalidations almost looks fun now. I look at it as an opportunity for self-improvement. How can I not take them personally? How can I respond the most confidently? How can I use my sense of humor (which abandons me only when I am upset)? How can I act like a real gentlemen?How can I act like a professional boxer that gets attacked by some random guy, and then elegantly avoids all the punches (without necessarily engaging in fight) until the other guy realizes how hilarious he is for even trying to attack.I am even thinking about starting an invalidation diary, noting and categorizing all invalidations I get and my responses to them. I might analyze my responses and think of further improvements.If anyone has some recommendations on other similar books I would appreciate that very much. I wish this books was a bit longer, exploring some topics in more detail.

Insightful book about how to respond to invalidating behaviors. Highly recommended.

For me, the examples and scenarios were the best tool for understanding. The theory is fine, but as he said we all invalidate from time to time and ~21% of us do it all the time consciously or unconsciously. Unfortunately imo there are too few societal examples of healthy behavior and hundreds of tv programs and series where invalidation is the driving "drama" or entertainment... out there possibly spreading the "disease" of invalidation as normal or acceptable behavior. Thus, my three star rating is based on the lack of examples. Many people who invalidate are seasoned pros and I found assertive communication with them is like stepping into a boxing ring for the first time and your opponent is Mike Tyson, unwilling to pull punches and if he thinks he is going to "lose" he will bite your ear off.

I wouldn’t say it gives much of advices

This is really a good book to read and learn. I got to learn a lot by reading it. Wonderful.

This is a great perspective based book that lends itself to helping the reader to reach prople through kindness to improve their lives and that if those clise to them regardless of relationship. It demonstrates through examples and theries an understanding and compassion for humanity and allows the reader to look at people’s behaviour as symptoms with a deeper root cause that once identified can be helped. A xondzrful book written in kindness. A lovely and interesting read.

Nice book, it provides good tools! However, it made me feel a bit more helpless than before (the people im dealing with are people hurting me with full will and the book merely focuses on people who do it unconsciously). Also, I didnt like the gendering (it disturbed my reading) and it left out the victims in my opinion (to focus on the invalidators instead). Would recommand for people dealing with "light" cases.

Von dem Versprechen in der Kurzbeschreibung "This book provides surefire methods to neutralize the nasty people in your life." ist in dem Buch wenig zu finden.In meiner Kindle Ausgabe stellen Danksagung, die Lobhudelei eines Schülers, Einleitung, und Übersicht allein 15% des gesamten Buchtextes. Geschätzte 80% bestehen aus einer Klassifizierung der Bösewichter und den langatmigen Erklärungsversuchen des Autors über die Motivation der Nasty People, die vom Autor als Invalidators bezeichnet werden. Hinter Invalidation verbirgt sich für den Autor die aktive Sabotage und Demontage einer Person durch die Handlungen des Invalidators.Insgesamt widmet der Autor vielleicht 5% des gesamten Buches den am Anfang versprochenen Methoden, wie der Leser dem Angriff eines Invalidators umgehen kann. Diese Methoden sind kaum als treffsicher zu bezeichnen. Jay Carter bietet auch keine Langzeitstrategie für den wiederholten Kontakt mit der selben Person an. Er geht davon aus, dass sich das Problem mit einer einzelnen Erwiderung erledigt hat.Wer ein Interesse hat für die Hintergründe und Motivationen die Jay Carter in seinem Buch den der Invalidators unterstellt, dem sei das Buch empfohlen. Eine Hilfestellung im Umgang mit invalidation habe ich in diesem Buch nicht gefunden. Hier hilft auch die Kenntnis um eine mögliche Motivation des Angreifers nicht weiter. Weiterhin gibt es im gesamten Text keine Fußnoten mit Quellenangaben, zu Studien oder zu Untersuchungen. Es ist allein die Sichtweise des Autors.Es war mir sehr unangenehm zu lesen das die Invalidatoren in Jay Carters Buch überwiegend weiblich sind. Darum habe ich den Eindruck das Carter hier ein persönliches Problem - für das er keine funktionierende Lösung gefunden hat - zum Buchthema gemacht hat. Um es noch einmal ganz deutlich zu sagen: Carters "treffsichere Methoden" ließen sich ungekürzt auf einer A4 Seite zusammenfassen.