Cam Girl

I received this ARC from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.Leah Raeder has this amazing ability to create characters that aren't very likable, but you still care about them. That's kind of how I feel about Vada. From the beginning, I found it hard to like her or understand her. She pushed every single person in her life out of it. But I kind of understood where she was coming from. I have to say that I probably would have acted very similar to Vada in her situation. Maybe that's why I still found it easy to care about her and what happens to her.Vada and her best friend/sometimes lover Ellis are in a horrible car accident. Vada is driving and a car rear ended them, killing the other person in the car. Despite the fact that the police ruled it an accident. Vada and Ellis are both still racked with guilt. Vada is devastated because her arm was badly hurt in the accident and she is an artist. I felt her devastation so clearly at the fact that she couldn't do what made her happy and complete. She had this way of imagining how she would draw everyone in her head and her vivid imagery was so poignant that I was as devastated as Vada that she couldn't physically create those images herself.On top of all that, Vada is struggling with her sexuality. She is attracted to both guys and girls, but she is undoubtedly in love with her best friend, Ellis. Vada is Puerto Rican and that added a layer of depth to her confusion. Because of her conservative culture, she didn't want to admit to anyone that she was in love with a girl. She refused to tell anyone just how important Ellis was to her. This felt like such a real struggle for me. The way Vada explains it is that she always had this idea in her head of who she was supposed to end up with. And yes, this idea of a wedding to a man and beautiful children was influenced by her culture and her mother. But that doesn't make the idea (or her confusion) any less real. Vada thought that even though she was attracted to girls, she would always end up with a guy. How many of us can relate to this? Vada needed to realize that maybe her life would turn out differently from this idea she grew up with and that would be okay. Her journey to realize this was filled with pain and so much anger.Vada pushes Ellis away and they end up living separate lives for a while. Honestly, I wasn't even sure I liked Vada and Ellis together at first. Their relationship struck me as extremely codependent and it seemed like they hurt each other more than they loved each other. It turns out that Ellis is keeping a secret too and once I understood this, I understood Ellis's motivations a little better as well. When Vada works as a cam girl, it made perfect sense for her character. Working as a cam girl allow her to keep everyone at arm's length. She has these sexual connections with strangers online and whenever anyone tries to make a connection in real life, she again just pushes everyone away. It was so incredibly frustrating. Her push and pull relationship with Ellis just made me want to shake both of them and it gets even worse when Vada meets "Blue." Blue is a client online who pays her to perform for him and no one else. The problem is that she starts falling for him. I can certainly see why because Blue is sexy and mysterious and seems to understand her in ways that not many people do. The problem is that because he is a stranger, she opened up to him in ways she never did with Ellis. She told him everything about herself. I was equal parts excited and terrified because she was taking personal risks with someone she knew nothing about. And she kept pushing Ellis (a REAL person) away for the thought of an imaginary person online. I do have to say also that the reveal of Blue's identity was a bit disappointing. I just did not want Blue to be who it ended up being . . . if that makes any sense.Vada also starts getting close to Max, the father of the man who died the night of the crash. They become something like friends, but not really. It's more like they both lost something that night and they talk to the one other person who can possibly understand it. It is evident from the beginning that Vada is hiding something related to the crash. Ellis was drunk so she doesn't remember much and Vada wants to keep it that way. At some point, Max starts digging around too. I had a hard time understanding Max. He said that he didn't blame Vada for the crash, that it was an accident, but then he starts digging around in the details and also digging in Ellis and Vada's lives. That should have been a red flag for Vada, but she was a glutton for punishment (obviously).There was one issue I had with the book, other than the identity of who Blue was. First, the pacing towards the second half of the book was a bit slow. There were two mysteries: the mystery of who Blue was and the mystery of what really happened the night of the accident. And in the middle of this was Vada's confusion about her sexuality. But there was a part of the book where it dragged so much because there was no focus on the mysteries and no real focus to Vada's confusion. For the longest time, it was about Ellis and Vada trying to repair their relationship. And yeah, I get that. I really do. The problem was that nothing was happening. It was several chapters of Vada and Ellis having dinner together and reconnecting. Sorry, but as important as this part may have been, it was just a bit boring.The bottom line is that while the pacing may have been a little off in certain parts, Leah Raeder still creates a story with incredible three dimensional characters and a plot that will keep you guessing until the very last page.

I have many problems with the story in this book. To be honest, I'm not even sure why I bought it or how long it has been in my library. As fate would have it, I finally began reading it the day before the mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida. Jung's beloved synchronicity drives some of the worst nightmares in my life and this past few days has been no exception. However, my personal responses to this book are irrelevant."Cam Girl", by Leah Raeder is a masterpiece of artistic modern realism. It is built on a foundation of self-loathing finding redemption through self-acceptance guided by artistic thinking. Color is key to everything in the book. The metaphors, the foreshadowing, the inner life of the main character, all of it is wrapped up in a constantly shifting kaleidoscope of color. For someone who is not accustomed to artistic thinking, this is going to be a very confusing read, while anyone whose life is immersed in color and form will find depths and layers here that are extremely difficult to find in modern writing. That does not mean they will like what they find.The story opens with a car accident described in time-lapse perfection. It unfolds in eerie, haunting precision moment by moment with each tiny detail wrapped in colors that at first seem unrealistically lurid and flamboyant. Each of these colors gains greater depth and meaning as the story itself opens up in the reader's mind. Vada, the main character, is an artist. As a result of this accident she loses her ability to draw and paint. The inability to express herself creates a huge reservoir of self-loathing that drives her down one self-destructive path after another. Her redemption finally arrives in "Blue", a client of her life as a cam girl that showers her with praise, guides her in self-examination, and releases her from the isolation created by the loss of her art. Along the way there is a colorful cast of wacky characters, all of them bent, broken, tortured souls cast adrift on the ocean of life and left to sink or swim on their own volition. No one helps anyone and yet everyone helps everyone, but the key to this story is the relationship between Vada and Blue.This book is a technical and artistic masterpiece. That is why I have given it five stars. The story itself is not one that resonates in my life. However, I can see how many people in today's world, both those who are gender-fluid and those who are trying to support someone who is gender-fluid, will gain a deeper understand of themselves and their relationships through reading this book.Some of us have to learn everything the hard way. Those are the people who will read this book over and over again for the comfort it brings them.

I was lead to this book by another reviewer (in a review of another book) absolutely raving about it. I have to say I'm a little torn as I write this in knowing quite what to say and how to say it to get my points across; but I'll give it a go!Where this book really delivered was in the quality of the writing (Vada's artistic skill is mirrored in the writing - it's extremely lyrical) and in the interest in the story. There were several deep and suitably shocking secrets only very slowly revealed that kept me avidly reading.My only frustration really was with the main character, Vada, who spends an inordinate amount of time (in my view anyway) accepting the bleeding obvious! I'll not say more as to do so would be too much of a spoiler, but if you read this (and it's well worth the read) you might get what I mean when you get to the end. Go on, give it a try...

If you like dark, twisty, sexy fiction then you need to put Elliot Wake's books on your TBR list. This book is hard to categorise; at times it is a romance, at times a suspenseful thriller and at times just a beautifully written story of trying to come to terms with disability, identity and sexual orientation.Vada is an artist, but when she gets into a car accident with her best friend Ellis, she damages her drawing arm and ends up losing everything she loves. At rock bottom, she takes a job as a cam girl and strikes up a relationship with a mysterious man, Blue, who wants him all to herself.At times this book had me literally catching my breath; there are so many secrets and reveals. I absolutely devoured this book, wanting to know the truth about everything. The writing is beautiful and vivid, and every time I finish one of Wake's books, I'm left wanting more of his work.

First off let me just state that I was in no way ready to feel what i felt after reading this book. I fell in love with Leah's words straight away, just like Id done with the previous books, and found myself so caught up in the storyline that I was scared to put my kindle down and miss a second of uncovering the truth. But I have to be honest. As much as I loved this story- and I doubt that I could feel anything but love for one of Reader's books- it was the acknowledgements that truly opened my eyes and brought the tears. I'm so thankful that Leah shared that piece with us and is actively bringing awareness to social issues that don't get much coverage at all. Waiting for a reader story is like waiting for a breath of fresh air!