Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting Hardcover – February 7, 2012

I loved this book. I already use many of these parenting techniques with my own bebe (before even reading this book) because they seemed like common sense to me. They work every time. My girl was "doing her nights" at 2 1/2 months. She is now 6 months old and she sleeps 12 hours a night before waking up, and she naps 3 or 4 times a day. Even when I used to babysit other people's kids I used many of these techniques, especially "the big eyes". I have always firmly believed in the cadre, and also that kids will eat foods that they are introduced to, if parents go about it the right way. I also believe that America has been taken over by enfant rois that need to be coddled and told how amazing they are for the most mediocre achievements, and they end up never doing anything with their lives that is worthwhile.Aside from the parenting techniques to teach children how to be sage, I also found helpful the parts about how almost guilt-free the moms are. I have found myself feeling guilty about a lot of things, especially the things that are beyond my control. Now I realize that I don't have to feel guilty for needing time apart from my little one, because she probably needs time apart from me too! And I don't have to feel guilty about wanting to combine my roles as wife, mother, and worker into one whole person: a woman with needs and feelings. I like that the French believe that children should learn their place in the home, and that its not all about them all the time. I think this teaches children responsibility and empathy for others.-----------I am editing my review to include some info now that my bebe is almost 18 months old. I've since read Karen Lebillion's book, French Kids Eat Everything and started using that to help me teach my daughter to appreciate meals and foods. So far everything is going great and I regret nothing. I only wish that these books had been available when I was pregnant since I didn't get to read them until my bebe was an infant and I had less time to read each day. For these books, I MADE the time. Even if it meant less sleep at night.My personal parenting style includes some Attachment Parenting ideals, and a lot of what is in BUB and FKEE. It is working for me and my family and we are happy. My husband is happy to have a sweet and cheerful toddler who is a joy to be around. I am happy to feel good about being woman with a family, not just a mom and a wife. My daughter is happy because she gets the attention she needs and deserves, the sleep and nutrition she requires, and is learning and enjoying life in all its lovely variety.Here's how things have changed since my initial review:Implementing a "French" parenting style is much different with a toddler than it is with an infant. Its harder because sometimes during tantrums you just want to give in and let them have whatever they want, especially if you are in a public place and getting nasty looks. But 99% of the time I am able to stay strong. I remind myself that when she is throwing a fit, she may want a snack or a new toy. But what she needs is to learn patience and good manners. If I don't teach her, how will she learn? If she doesn't learn by practice, then how?I won't say my daughter is the best behaved child of all time. She goes to a daycare which is a lot like a creche in some ways, but that is where the similarities end. There is only one teacher per 7-8 children. Not nearly enough to prevent all the biting, hitting, kicking, etc that goes on among toddlers. My daughter has learned some pretty awful words and aggressive behaviors from other kids that she would never have learned in our home. This is natural and would have happened eventually once she reached school age, but I was not ready for this from a toddler. Luckily at home we are able to stop these behaviors quickly.She has a lot of toys, thanks to her relatives. She doesn't play with most of them because she prefers "real" things and we believe in unstructured play. She uses her toys in creative ways I would never have thought of. We try to only give her toys which will encourage creativity. We also like to take her places that she can explore on her own. Out to fields, to museums, parks, nature paths, etc. Not just places that are themed for children. We like to just let her play on her own as much as she wants. When she wants us to play with her she comes to us and asks, but we stay out of her way until she asks us to join her. Her favorite thing to do is read. She likes us to read to her and she also likes to "read" to her animals and dolls. She basically turns the pages and babbles and points to the pictures. Thanks to teaching her to be patient she is happy to sit still and read several books at one time. Her favorite book is almost 70 pages long. She also likes to "give speeches" where she lines up her toys and she stands in front of them and talks to them and gestures wildly like she's giving a passionate speech about something super important. I have no idea where she learned that. Her pediatrician says her vocabulary, behaviors, and level of self control is far beyond her age group. I don't know how much of that is due to my parenting or what but I'm proud.As a result of using BUB and FKEE to drastically alter our eating habits, my daughter eats a ton of different foods that most of the kids I know would gag on. Her favorite foods include black olives and raw broccoli. She also is more well behaved in restaurants than she is at home. She sits and waits for her food, and she at least tries everything on her plate. She doesn't always eat everything but she doesn't throw her food (anymore...) and she doesn't have fits at the table. She sits still and talks to me and her dad while we finish eating and pay. At home she gets a little restless since she knows her toys are in another room and she wants to get up from the table and go play instead of waiting for me and my husband to finish eating. She hasn't learned to politely excuse herself from the meal yet, so until she does we make her sit with us until everyone has finished.We get compliments all the time from people in public who see her on her best behavior. Some of her first words were please and thank you. She is friendly and says hello and goodbye to everyone we meet. She says thank you to anyone who gives her anything and rarely has to be reminded to say please. She usually does not freak out in public unless I've kept her out too long and she's tired or hungry. I can pretty much take her anywhere with me without any problems.BUB is perfect for me because I don't believe in spanking. I don't think there is any reason to spank ever. I give my child the tools she needs to learn to behave herself. Spanking teaches nothing except to do what the parent says in order to not get spankings. I want to teach her to have good manners and follow instructions because its the right thing to do. I feel that I have the ability to teach her right from wrong, and the reasons why she should behave a certain way. I feel that she is intelligent enough to understand these concepts. Spanking her would represent a lack of confidence in my ability to teach her and in her ability to learn. With the things I've learned in BUB, I won't ever feel like I need to spank her. I do believe in short time outs and in taking away privileges and things, because those are real consequences and they have meanings behind them. Spanking is just senseless violence and teaches nothing but more violence in the place of knowledge. So far we've never spanked and we don't think she is old enough for time out, and we also haven't needed it. She knows what's allowed and what's not. Toys that are kicked, thrown, or otherwise abused are temporarily taken away. Food that is thrown is taken away. When crayons are used to color things that are not paper, they are taken away. When she demonstrates the ability to follow rules and control herself again, she has earned back whatever was taken away. So simple, easy, and effective.Our relatives thought I was nuts in the beginning, but now after having seen the effects BUB and FKEE have had on our family they are recommending them to everyone with kids.I couldn't be happier with this book and how its impacted us.

The other day, someone shared a "tweet" with me, tagged "DadsTalking," in which a father remarks, "I love my son's curiosity & spirit, ...but he always comments and talks back. How do I get him to stop without stifling him?" This simple tweet, marked by its earnestness, angst and apprehension, concisely encapsulates American attitudes toward parenting today. In her book Bringing up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting, Pamela Druckerman, a former journalist and American expatriate living in Paris, seeks to juxtapose American and French parenting methods. Druckerman argues that while American parents often admit that kids need limits, "...in practice, we're often unsure where these limits should be or we're uncomfortable policing them" (224). Part memoir, part cultural analysis, part childrearing manual, this book argues that while American parenting methods are likely to produce entitled, disobedient, and impetuous "Dylans" and "Isabellas," French parenting methods are likely to produce respectful, well-behaved and disciplined "Pierres" and "Paulettes." And on top of this, French mothers are less haggard, less sleep-deprived and more confident than American mothers. Bringing Up Bebe explores the reasons behind this discrepancy and presents a French alternative to the neurotic, guilt-ridden and vacillating American way.It shouldn't come as a surprise, then, that more than a few American mothers dislike this book. (Elaine Sciolino's review in The New York Times is less than glowing). Some reviewers criticize Druckerman for what they perceive to be an over-generalized misrepresentation of American mothers. Druckerman is clear about the fact that she is comparing college-educated, white, middle-to-upper-middle class American parents, particularly those who are also urban, to college-educated, white, middle-to-upper-middle class Parisian parents. Of course we all know American parents in this demographic who don't quite fit the mold she describes, but, based on my own personal reading, as well as my teaching and parenting experiences, I found her assessments to be quite accurate and very often convicting.I'm giving this book five stars, not because I felt a great affinity for the author while reading (especially not after I learned from a different source what she got her husband for his fortieth birthday!) and not because I agreed with every French parenting precept I found in the book. I'm giving it five stars because I loved every second of reading it, I couldn't stop talking about it over dinner with my husband, I felt compelled to write in the margins of pretty much every page, I'm already seeing the fruit of its application to my life, I want to share it with my friends - and not just those who are moms, and, most importantly, because this is the first secular resource on parenting that has not made me feel plagued with anxiety. It didn't make me feel guilty for preferring sleep schedules to co-sleeping, infant seats and playpens to habitual baby-wearing and the "cry-it-out" method to long, sleepless nights, perforated by several nursing sessions. This book confirmed what I've always believed to be true about wise parenting and served as a corrective against the areas in which I am too insecure to follow through on my resolves. And it made me laugh and feel good while I was at it.That being said, the ideas presented in the book are not exactly novel. I often associate Parisian women with French feminism, student protests, casual sex and aversion to religion - certainly not with traditional family structures and parenting methods. And yet, French parenting is at odds with contemporary American parenting because it rejects our progressive, child-centered, self-esteem-enhancing methods. French parenting is relatively traditional, parent-centered and authoritative. In fact, much of what I read in Bringing Up Bebe sounded very similar to what I've read from evangelical Christian author Gary Ezzo, creator of the infamous and widely disputed Babywise series. Both insist that the home be parent-and not child- centered, meaning that parents, not children, establish the family's rhythm. Both see prolonged "nursing on demand," as entirely untenable, and advocate, instead, regular feeding schedules. Both promise to have an infant sleeping through the night by two months of age, even if it involves resorting to the much maligned "cry it out" method. (Although, Druckeman euphemistically calls the French version of the CIO method "Le Pause," the two are essentially the same: don't pick the baby up the instant he cries, but instead assess the situation and see if he might simply be trying to settle himself down to rest; be willing to let a toddler cry at night in his crib for longer periods of time if he is refusing to sleep.) Both stress that the mother and father's relationship to one another not be sacrificed, willingly or unwillingly, to the demands of childrearing but, instead, be nourished and tended to, even if this involves setting early bedtimes for kids, establishing clear rules for mealtimes and encouraging more independent play. Both view firm and consistent discipline in a child's life as something that makes him ultimately content in his own skin and prepared for real-life challenges; it's okay for a parent to say "no" and "it's me who decides." Both encourage parents to be sensitive to a child's needs. And both promise that these principles not only make life easier for the parents, but serve a child's best interests as well.Of course these methods will sound a lot more attractive to the world coming from a sophisticated, svelte Parisian woman in designer jeans than from Evangelical Ezzo. Anti-Ezzo message boards are peppered with comments like "dangerous and manipulative," and "this book should be burned" and (my favorite), "It makes me SICK that they are there convincing innocent new parents how to 'raise' their children, when their own children do not even talk to them!" It's hard to imagine anyone saying such uncharitable things about the lovely Monique, Samine and Laurence. It's also worth noting that the values and presuppositions driving these strategies are undoubtedly different for Ezzo than I would imagine they are for most French parents. (The desire to eat smelly cheese sans interruptions from whining children probably propels much of the traditional parenting styles in France - not a firm conviction in the doctrine of original sin...) But, regardless of motivation, the parenting techniques outlined by conservative, evangelical-types share striking similarities with those of the Parisians Druckerman profiles- much to my surprise! It's not every day that "evangelical" and "French" go in the same sentence!While I was astonished by these similarities, Bringing Up Bebe outlines a number of distinctly French approaches to parenting, most of which are an absolute pleasure to read about. (According to Druckerman, Rousseau and French psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto are responsible for indelibly shaping French attitudes toward childrearing.) Where Gary Ezzo tends to be overly dogmatic and rigid, the French parents Druckenman observes are wonderfully nuanced, strategic and sensitive, all while maintaining their high expectations for behavior. For example, I very much prefer the French method of refining a child's palette ("You may be excused after you try at least one bite of every dish on your plate") to Ezzo's legalistic one ("You will stay in your highchair until that plate is licked clean!"). I loved the French idea of cadre - that is, building a firm framework of boundaries for a child's behavior and then giving him the freedom to move about unrestricted within those boundaries. French parents also have a wonderful category for behaviors that are perhaps mildly annoying and naughty but not worth fighting battles over. These minor infractions, over which both parents and children are meant to chuckle, are called les betises by both parents and children. (Druckerman considers a betise to be something akin to saying caca boudin, that is, "poop sausage." ) And lastly, I love that French parents tell their children to "be wise," instead of knocking them over the head with the overused "be good," and I love that they give children a firm attend! (wait) when they want them to be quiet or be patient.It's this concept of attend! that I have found difficult to enforce as the mother of a toddler. While I've accepted that my daughter go through a brief stage of crying in her crib at night so we can all benefit from consistent sleep, I find that my resolve is a lot weaker in the face of daytime crying, which typically occurs about thirty minutes before dinner. As a result, I often find myself bouncing a toddler on my hip while trying to dodge splatterings of oil from whatever I am cooking on stovetop. The French mothers in Bringing Up Bebe and their conviction that a mother must not capitulate to the whims and fancies of a child when she has pressing domestic duties to accomplish, both for the mother's sanity and the child's good, have inspired me to reevaluate my current approach to pre-dinner mayhem. The French way is as simple as this: When I'm cooking and my daughter beckons for me to pick her up, I bend down, calmly explain that she has to wait, confident that she understands every word I am saying, and then resume dinner preparation, without feeling guilty. She usually clamors at my legs for a moment, and then toddles off to find something else to do, and within minutes, I usually hear her happily singing or babbling to herself. Upon observing this the other day, my husband exclaims, "I like the new French you!" while giving me a side-hug. His expression sobers as he considers the French predilection for extramarital affairs, and he adds, "Now, just don't become all French in our marriage."